The
past few months since my treatment has finished have flown by and I think I
have done a pretty good job of confining the "what if" box to a deep
and dark recess at the back of my mind.
On
the odd occasion I would slowly lift the creaking lid just enough to peek in. Looking past the cobwebs and particles of dust
disturbed from their slumber, I would briefly glance in to the cold and damp darkness as I considered a possible negative scenario
when the results from my re-scans are finally presented.
These few and far
between trips to the dark side never lasted long as I would quickly slam the
lid shut, dismissing the thoughts as unhelpful and unlikely as I recite my
affirmation that this cancer is not going to beat me.
As D-day approached however and in particular during the week leading up to the results, my self-control waned as I allowed myself to wrestle with the possibility that cancer was still with me and late at night lying in the darkness, eyes wide open, the possibility of the poison having spread to other areas of my body ran riot in my imagination.
The effects of the treatment had been brutal and as I have made such huge progress with respect to the level of pain I am having to endure the thought of revisiting this with further treatment started to play on my mind. In recent weeks with pain levels finally reducing I had managed to wean myself off Morphine completely and I am slowing reducing the levels of Ibuprofen and Paracetamol still needed to help manage the now relatively mild but constant discomfort in my mouth and throat.
Then there was the food, for several months I was on liquids only and lost one-and-a-half stone of weight that I could ill afford to lose, leaving me looking so skinny that if I were to swallow a marble I would look pregnant. Now though I can eat a broad spectrum of "normal" foods and enjoy the experience. Only last night Emma and I had our first proper "date night" at a restaurant since the treatment started way back in October and I tucked in to some amazing food including a rib-eye steak, chips and veg. Only 4 weeks ago the prospect enjoying a 3 course meal at a lovely restaurant was way beyond my comprehension. How would I possibly cope with revisiting the torture chamber of treatments with their debilitating effects. A step backwards now would surely break me.
Finally the day arrived, Thursday 13th April, two days after the scans had been taken, there Emma and I were yet again following a path well trodden to the Churchill Hospital in Oxford to meet with the charming Dr Ketan Shah, to hear him deliver one of the two scenarios that had been played out in my head over the past week. Either I was to be given the all clear or I was to be told the treatment had not been successful and that I still had traces of cancer in my body.
Over several months and many meetings both Emma and I had got to know and like Ketan and so when he collected us from the waiting room and lead us through the maze of corridors we both tried to study his body language and general demeanour to get a hint as to what news was about to be delivered - the good or the bad. After the meeting we both agreed based on the body language we were expecting the bad.
So it turns out that Ketan must have been one hell of a poker player in a former life because his dead-pan approach during what seemed like a very long walk was disguising a message of what was overall very good news.
Key points are that there is no physical sign of the cancer which would have shown up on the CT scan. It's gone and the lymph nodes are all back within the normal range when it comes to size.
The PET scan which shows up blood cell activity and hence any particular hot spots where the body may be fighting infection or disease was all looking normal except for around one lymph node where it was "ever so slightly above the normal range". The professional opinion of Ketan was that this is probably just the node still settling down after the treatment and 90% certain that in a few months it will have settled to within normal and no further action required.
As we probed to get answers as to what this all meant, Ketan explained that I was cancer free but they, reassuringly, don't like to take any chances and so in 2 months time I shall return to the hospital for another PET scan to confirm that activity is then within the bounds of normal.
This begged the question, what if it's not and very matter-of-factly, it was explained that they would simply remove the set of lymph nodes on the right side of my neck and that would be without doubt the end of it. Not a major procedure apparently with a few days in hospital and a couple of weeks recovery. The message however was very much that it is unlikely that things will goes this route and that I am currently cancer free.
So as the news sinks in it is slowly turning to relief but we will save the champagne for 2 months time! :-)
