The Story Runs On...

As things start to settle down after what can only be described as a challenging period in the new, expanded Marsh family I cannot help but look back at some of the key decisions made over the past 18 months and wonder if all of the facts had been known, would those considerations have ended in the same result.

We now know that it is almost certain that when I proposed to Emma, I already had early stage throat cancer.  If I had known this would I have still popped the question?  Damn right I would – I cannot imagine going through the treatment without her.  So let’s park the fact that we have identified that I’m a selfish, weak, lily livered, inconsiderate dick and move on to Emma.

So I pop the question and as she peers down at the aging old git on bended knee in front of her, what would have gone through her mind if she was aware of the cancer growing inside me.

Jesus, this is going to be awkward.  I hope he doesn’t cry. Thinking on her feet she blurts out, “It’s not you darling honestly, it just all those years of playing hockey and I think I’ve been hiding my true sexuality.”

Obviously my mind immediately turns to a three way, before snapping back to the reality of the painful rejection.

So let’s assume that my dazzling personality and boyish good looks prove enough to win the fair maidens hand and we decide to tie the knot.  There was another knot to be tied when we decided to try for a baby – would we really have gone ahead with the vasectomy reversal knowing I had cancer.  We both strongly feel at the very least we would have put that decision on hold whilst the good fight was fought and then you have to say that the probability is that we never would have had George (as Georgina is affectionately known).

So enough of the “what if’s” - we do have George and the amount of joy she brings not only to me and Emma but to our wider family is immeasurable and we are both so thankful that we never had the knowledge of the enemy within to cloud our minds.

I have also ruminated on more than one occasion as to what must have gone through Emma’s mind when she found out that I had cancer.  Remember at this point in time she was less than four months into married life, was pregnant with George and about to exchange contracts on the sale of her much loved home as we had found the perfect family house in Marlow in which we were planning to build our future together.

There is no way of avoiding swearing here, “shit, what have I done, I didn’t sign up to this. I assumed at least 20 years, possibly 30 and may be even 40! Widowed within the first year was not what I had in mind, the selfish twat.”

However those secret thoughts never once surfaced and the love and support she showed me through those dark times, whilst can never be repaid, will never be forgotten.

On to the latest on the long running medical saga. The long awaited PET scan to revisit the lymph nodes in my neck happened last week and whilst it has not shown any deterioration, it has basically remained the same (i.e. very slightly above normal reading for blood activity on one node).

The decision therefore is to continue to monitor and re-scan again in 3 months or to have an operation and whip the buggers out.  Whilst the strong probability is that the lymph nodes are free from cancer, this is not guaranteed and even if they are clear now, the cancer could return.  Therefore the likelihood is that I will have them removed but that decision will not be taken for definite until after a further review of the scan results between the ENT surgeon (the dashing Mr Stuart Winter) and the radiologist.

The story runs on….